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Post by summerstorm on Sept 8, 2010 17:37:15 GMT -8
 HOW CAN I DECIDE WHAT'S RIGHT WHEN YOUR CLOUDING UP MY MIND
I could hear a soft mutter of words escaping through Eli's lips, but he stopped as soon as I got within earshot of them. By his expression, I could tell what he was thinking. No matter what I said, what I did, Eli would still blame himself for the accident. Because of my death, he cut himself. Truth was, it was my fault. Not Eli's. But I couldn't have just stood there and let Eli face the armed student alone. It was a sickening feeling to even think about it. As I reached the table, my eyes touched on Eli, seeing a lopsided grin that looked like it took a lot of effort just to make it. I swallowed nervously, my hands sitting idly at my sides. It took my a minute to think of the right thing to say.
"Fancy meeting you here, Eli."
I tried to make my voice sound effortless, make it sound like we would have talked before I died. But it wasn't without effort to make my voice sound normal. My stomach ached in the constant, nervous knot that it had stayed in all day long.
"And I'm being completely rude. I'm Allie."
I told the brunette girl who sat closely by Eli. Any other time I would have held out my hand when meeting someone. But now that I was dead... I had to rethink these things. So instead, I gave her a soft nod, a weak smile touching my pale lips.
WORDS,, word count
TAGGED,, for who?
OUTFIT,, CLICK
MUSIC,, inspiration music
NOTES,, ohai
TEMPLATE,, by PANIC! ITS LAUZ of CAUTION-----------------------------------[/center]   
No. If it wasn't for me, she would be alive right now. I should be the one that's dead.
The tone of his voice was flat, almost emotionless as he spoke to me. I opened my mouth to say something, to disagree with him and tell him I didn't understand. My Allie was within earshot, and I didn't want to be talking about her death while she was around. I mean, talk about rude. Fancy meeting you here, Eli. She spoke softly, her voice shaking slightly. I swallowed anxiously, giving her a soft glance. She was so... pale. And lifeless. Truth was, I had never seen the undead up close like this. And I'm being completely rude. I'm Allie. She told me, giving a soft nod and a weak smile.
"Allie. I'm Ava."
I repeated her name before introducing myself.
[/blockquote][/blockquote]  WORDS;; TAGS;; MUSIC;; THOUGHTS;; This post template was designed by Amami From Caution 2.0Song lyrics from Your love is my drug By Ke$ha[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by Gracie♥ on Sept 8, 2010 19:18:59 GMT -8
 you heard that i was trouble ,
BUT YOU COULDN'T RESISTT A K E A B I T E L E T M E S H A K E U P Y O U R W O R L D- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After our awkward introductions, I was relieved to hear the bell ring. Lunch was over. I could go back to sitting in class, coloring my fingernails black with spare ink from a pen. At least that didn't require any human interaction, something I was downright dreading at the moment.
Tugging uneasily at my sleeves, I forced a smile as everyone got up to leave. Pretty soon, the whole cafeteria had cleared, except for a few people standing around in the quiet room. One of them was Ava. As much as I loved being around her, I would have preferred that she left. At least, then I wouldn't have to face her.
She had been sweet and polite when Allie was here, but I was sure that was only manners. There was something more... Something she wanted to tell me. Something she had to get out, and I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good.
Shit.
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Post by summerstorm on Sept 8, 2010 19:33:05 GMT -8
HOW CAN I DECIDE WHAT'S RIGHT WHEN YOUR CLOUDING UP MY MIND
I swallowed through my dry throat as the bell rang, and the cafeteria began to clear except for the odd student lagging behind. I breathed a soft sigh, biting my lip in concern when Eli didn't reply. Shit, this was bad. Really, really bad. Allie. I'm Ava. She told me with a perfect, smooth voice. Ava. I only vaguely remembered the name. Shifting my weight slightly, I felt ridiculously self conscious, which was completely unlike me. Clearing my throat softly, I ran a pale hand through my hair.
"So uh.. I guess I had better be going..."
My god, this was awkward. Why, I didn't know. But it was like I sensed something between Ava and Eli. It made me anxious, but it was as if I had no idea why. And with that, I turned on my heel, hugging my textbooks to my chest as I left the cafeteria. Maybe coming back to school really was a bad idea.
Make that an idea from hell.
WORDS,, word count
TAGGED,, for who?
OUTFIT,, CLICK
MUSIC,, inspiration music
NOTES,, ohai
TEMPLATE,, by PANIC! ITS LAUZ of CAUTION-----------------------------------[/center]
As Allie turned to leave, I looked down at my hands in my lap nervously. The air in between me and Eli was tensed, as I got the same feeling I had felt back in his apartment; like I wasn't wanted. I swallowed anxiously, taking a deep breath and trying to think of something to say to Eli. There was something that was bugging me; something I needed to know.
"Eli... I.. well.."
Oh god, this was going to be harder than I originally expected. I took another breath, resting my head in my hands as the shook with nervousness.
"You're not still cutting yourself.... are you...?"
My voice was broken up as I finally brought my gaze up to look at Eli. It killed me to think of him cutting himself... to see him brought to the point of insanity that he would hurt himself... I didn't know if I could handle it.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORDS;; TAGS;; MUSIC;; THOUGHTS;; This post template was designed by Amami From Caution 2.0Song lyrics from Your love is my drug By Ke$ha[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by Gracie♥ on Sept 8, 2010 19:40:38 GMT -8
you heard that i was trouble ,
BUT YOU COULDN'T RESISTT A K E A B I T E L E T M E S H A K E U P Y O U R W O R L D- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"So uh.. I guess I had better be going..." I nodded sweetly as Allie hurried out of the room, before turning back to Ava.
She looked tensed, and definitely troubled. "Eli... I... Well.." What was she getting at? "You're not still cutting yourself.... are you...?" I gave her a stunned look, too taken aback to answer her. Instead, I simply grimaced, avoiding her harsh gaze awkwardly.
Swallowing hard, I looked around for some sort of distraction, but found none. With an exasperated sigh, I nodded weakly, slumping back in my seat. I couldn't lie to Ava, but by now... I couldn't speak at all.
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Post by summerstorm on Sept 8, 2010 19:50:30 GMT -8
Eli avoided my gaze with a grimace, looking around the room before giving a harsh sigh. He gave a slight nod, slumping back down in his seat as if he couldn't speak. Tears pricked my eyes, even though self consciously I knew the answer. I bit my lip, trying to hold back the emotion that seemed to overflow inside of me. I let out a shaky breath, opening my mouth to speak. But it was as if I had no words to say. Quickly I closed it, eyes glancing around the room to see it was now empty.
I almost couldn't handle this.
The events in the past few days were all so emotionally involved that I had trouble even remembering them all. I swallowed hard, my throat dry as I struggled to think of something to say. Anything.
"Eli... what happened with Allie.. it was an accident. You didn't cause it."
I told him simply, my voice a whisper although I knew he would hear in the silence of the room. When I was done speaking, it was as if I tried to seal my lips, as if I didn't trust myself to say anything else, for fear my emotion would take over.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORDS;; TAGS;; MUSIC;; THOUGHTS;; This post template was designed by Amami From Caution 2.0Song lyrics from Your love is my drug By Ke$ha[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by Gracie♥ on Sept 9, 2010 18:30:19 GMT -8
 you heard that i was trouble ,
BUT YOU COULDN'T RESISTT A K E A B I T E L E T M E S H A K E U P Y O U R W O R L D- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Eli... what happened with Allie.. it was an accident. You didn't cause it."
I shook my head, giving Ava a quick glance. Immediately, I felt horrible for doing this to her. She didn't need to worry about me, and yet the expression on her face was indescribable. I looked away, after seeing the emotion drain the color from her face.
"Really!? From where I'm standing, it looks like I did." I paused, biting my fingernails tentatively. "If it wasn't for me, she would be alive."
I breathed out heavily, my eyes fixed on the tile ground. If I looked back into her eyes, I would surely snap. Do something stupid, something that I could never take back. And that would only make matters worse. For everyone.
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Post by summerstorm on Sept 9, 2010 18:36:28 GMT -8
Really!? From where I'm standing, it looks like I did. If it wasn't for me, she would be alive.
I swallowed nervously at the tone of his voice. He let out a heavy breath as his gaze was turned at the ground, my deep eyes trying to catch his gaze. I bit my lip, hands resting in my lap as I could feel the emotion welling up inside of me. I tried to hold it back as best I could, but I turned away from Eli as a tear escaped. Quickly I wiped it away, hopefully before he could get the chance to see it.
"I wasn't there, Eli. I don't know what happened. But I don't even need to. I know it wasn't your fault.."
My words were shaky and quiet. How I knew it wasn't his fault, well some things there was no explanation. But I didn't need one. In my heart, I knew. Eli wasn't like that. And I wouldn't let him believe that it was his fault. It killed me to even think about it. I looked back up at him, taking a hand and softly turning his chin to face me, trying to catch his gaze.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORDS;; TAGS;; MUSIC;; THOUGHTS;; This post template was designed by Amami From Caution 2.0Song lyrics from Your love is my drug By Ke$ha[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by Gracie♥ on Sept 10, 2010 17:36:49 GMT -8
you heard that i was trouble ,
BUT YOU COULDN'T RESISTT A K E A B I T E L E T M E S H A K E U P Y O U R W O R L D- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I wasn't there, Eli. I don't know what happened. But I don't even need to. I know it wasn't your fault.."
Her efforts were sweet, but it was no use. If I hadn't been there, Marina and Allie might be alive. I'd had a lot of people die in my lifetime, most of them close to me, but none I had ever felt responsible for. Not until I killed my girlfriend. And, of course, my best friend.
"Just... save it Ava."
My tone was cool and flat as I spoke, allowing her to turn my head towards hers. Ava's eyes were filled with tears, but I knew it was for the best. In the end, she would be better off without me. As soon as someone was close to me, they were gone. It would be easier to just keep them all out of my life, right?
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Post by summerstorm on Sept 10, 2010 17:48:18 GMT -8
Just... save it, Ava.
Eli told me, his tone flat as I stared into his eyes. No. I wouldn't save it. Not when Eli was hurt and broken like this. It's not even the fact that I wouldn't... at this point, I couldn't let this go. It didn't matter that Eli and I had only known each other personally for.. well I didn't even know. I felt like I had known him my whole life. Like... everything about him was forever burned into my soul.
"I can't..."
I whispered, my voice barely there. I knew he might not have even heard my words... but I couldn't even bring myself to say anything louder.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORDS;; TAGS;; MUSIC;; THOUGHTS;; This post template was designed by Amami From Caution 2.0Song lyrics from Your love is my drug By Ke$ha[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by Gracie♥ on Sept 10, 2010 21:52:35 GMT -8
you heard that i was trouble ,
BUT YOU COULDN'T RESISTT A K E A B I T E L E T M E S H A K E U P Y O U R W O R L D- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I can't,"
Ava insisted icily. Her voice was hardly audible, but I knew what she was saying. I grimaced, taking my eyes away from her soft gaze for a moment before rising from my seat. My backpack rattled in protest as I slung it across my shoulder, giving her a meaningless glance before leaving the room. Before I left, I turned back around to face her, my heart skipping a beat.
"I'm sorry.. I can't do this anymore."
With that, I strode briskly out, a bottle of sleeping pills falling to the floor. Damn. I had forgotten about those, they were rarely needed, but... Maybe I could just end this. Make things easier, for everyone. My body started to tremble as I took the container off the ground, bringing it with me into the bathroom. My breathing ragged, I checked that the room was empty before slumping helplessly against the wall.
My life was crumbling down. Into a million tiny pieces. It might be easier if I could just... End it.
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Post by summerstorm on Sept 11, 2010 5:37:37 GMT -8
Eli rose from her seat, giving me a meaningless glance before starting for the door. Before he left the room, he turned back to face me, his voice coming through again. I'm sorry... I can't do this anymore. And with those words, he turned back around and stroke briskly from the room.
As I sat there, I realized just how alone I felt. There was no where that I really belonged... but there was something to be said when I was spending time with Eli. There was a sinking feeling in my stomach as I thought of him, shaking my head as emotion began to fill my body. My hand shook as I brought it to my face, angrily wiping away a stray tear. I can't do this anymore... I thought of his words again. And that's when I began to get scared.
Scared that Eli really was intent on stopping all of this, forever. On hurting himself to the point where it was past saving. The thought made the knot in my stomach clench tighter as I stood weakly from my seat. My steps were frantic as I reached the hallway, eyes darting around for Eli.
"Eli!"
I rose my voice as I searched for him, becoming more fearful ever second. What if I was too late, for what I already self consciously knew?
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORDS;; TAGS;; MUSIC;; THOUGHTS;; This post template was designed by Amami From Caution 2.0Song lyrics from Your love is my drug By Ke$ha[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by Gracie♥ on Sept 11, 2010 10:16:34 GMT -8
you heard that i was trouble ,
BUT YOU COULDN'T RESISTT A K E A B I T E L E T M E S H A K E U P Y O U R W O R L D- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Eli!"
I heard Ava's voice ring through the paper-thin walls of the boy's bathroom, only making me more distressed. With a shaky sigh, I fumbled for the bottle of sleeping pills in my backpack, which was still weighted down with books.
My hands were shaking as I pulled the bottle out of a small pocket, unscrewing the cap as my breathing grew heavy. This was just...too much. I was sure Ava would snap a gasket, but that was the least of my problems by now. It would be better now, better if I wasn't there with her. I'd caused enough drama around here, right?
((sorry haha nooo muse xDD))
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Post by summerstorm on Sept 11, 2010 10:52:16 GMT -8
When I heard no call from Eli back, I knew something was terribly wrong. My steps quickened as my heart beat almost out of my chest, eyes searching frantically for any hint of where Eli could have disappeared to. It was an odd thing; odd that I could multi task in such a way that as I held hope for finding Eli safe, I also prepared myself for the worst. The sickening part was that finding him sitting somewhere cutting himself actually seemed like a lesser of my worries.
”Eli!”
My voice rang out again through the halls, as I heard the subtle click of teacher’s shutting their doors. The hallway was empty. Completely and utterly empty. It was a feeling much like the one in the very bottom of my heart: Loneliness. Fear. My breath came through my lips fast as I came around the last corner of the hallway. I hoped to see Eli standing there… but what I saw was the exact opposite. Emptiness.
I had run through the halls of where Eli could have been. If he was still in the school, there was still one place I hadn’t yet checked; the bathroom.
"Oh god Eli... please."
My voice rang through the halls once again as I turned back the way I came, as I stood face to face with the bathroom door. Somehow I knew that he was there, yet it was a feeling I couldn't describe.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORDS;; TAGS;; MUSIC;; THOUGHTS;; This post template was designed by Amami From Caution 2.0Song lyrics from Your love is my drug By Ke$ha[/color][/size][/center] |
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Post by Gracie♥ on Sept 11, 2010 13:25:54 GMT -8
you heard that i was trouble ,
BUT YOU COULDN'T RESISTT A K E A B I T E L E T M E S H A K E U P Y O U R W O R L D- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Eli!Oh god, Eli... Please."
Ava called my name again and again, her voice washed over with worry and exasperation. So many things were running through my head, Ava. Marina. Allie. My family. And then it hit me. They were all better off without me here. Most of the conversations I had with Ava drove her to the point of tears. I killed Marina because I was stupid enough to drive her home wasted. And, of course, I killed Allie because I was stupid enough to piss off a student with a gun.
Well, of course, there was my family, too. But in all honesty, I hardly had one. Sure, there was my crazy-ass mother, but I had been taking care of her since I was old enough to walk. The closest I had ever been to her was when she would beat me. It didn't happen often, but damn she didn't like it when I talked back to her. I still had traces of the scars she had left me. And that was all she'd left me with.
I'm not one to trust people, and the few that I'd trusted were dead. Not counting Ava, but she didn't really understand me. Hell, no one did. I had a sinking feeling that Ava was standing right behind the door, probably afraid to walk into the men's room. Maybe if I just didn't move, she would go away. She didn't need to be with me anymore.
Any relationship of mine would end in disaster. It was official.
Swallowing hard, I unscrewed the cap, reading the back of the bottle absently. I was moving slowly, not wanting anyone to hear me. There was a warning on the label that read, Overdose will result in illness or most likely sudden death. Use with caution.
Perfect.
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Post by summerstorm on Sept 11, 2010 14:40:49 GMT -8
I stood, staring blankly at the men's bathroom door. A million things were going through my mind, all about Eli. Part of me was telling myself to open the door and face what I thought was behind it, but the other part was telling me to take the time to brace for something bad. The silence was almost too much to bare. No sound. Not from the barren hallway around me, not from inside the bathroom. That was when I began to wonder if I really was too late. That maybe Eli was... I couldn't even bring myself to say it. Or maybe he really wasn't in there. Maybe I had misinterpreted everything, and he had left the school. Maybe I was crazy.
Maybe.
I bit the inside of my lip so hard that it bled. Just open the door, for god's sake, Ava! I yelled at myself internally. Whatever I opened the door to... I had to face it. If not now, then.. well it didn't even matter. I had to do it now.
As I brought my hand up, I could see it shaking to the point where it was like I had no control over it. With a desperate breath, I pushed it open, swallowing back the lump that rose in my throat, dark eyes peering through the small area. That was when I saw him. Eli, sitting on the floor, his hands grasping a white pill bottle that he was reading intently. He was alive, and okay 'physically' by the looks of things. The sudden rush of emotion brought a sense of weakness to my legs, as I held onto the wall for support. It didn't need an explanation. Eli was about to try and commit suicide. The painful reality sunk in as I took a shaky breath.
"Eli... you honestly think that I'd be better off without you?"
I whispered, not really sure if he would hear me, but it didn't even matter at that point. There was a sickening feeling in the very pit of my stomach, as clenched my eyes shut. No, I wasn't going to cry... at least I demanded that of myself.
"If you were to die, Eli... I- I.."
I knew what I was about to say. I was about to tell him that I wouldn't last long afterwards. But the painful realization hit me; all this time I had been kidding everyone. Even myself. But truth was, I was never truly happy. Not until I met Eli. And if he was to... not be with me anymore.. well then I didn't see much reason for anything.
This was something that I knew self-consciously, but it was as if I had held it back, hiding it from everyone, including myself. As this all hit me at once, I sunk down to the floor against the wall, and held my head in my hands, trying to keep from being completely pushed from the edge of sanity.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORDS;; TAGS;; MUSIC;; THOUGHTS;; This post template was designed by Amami From Caution 2.0Song lyrics from Your love is my drug By Ke$ha[/color][/size][/center] |
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