Post by bellatrix on Aug 23, 2010 8:37:43 GMT -8
Interview transcript for the psychological profile of Alexander Jonah Fielding
So.
This is more than a little awkward, you know. I mean, I’m pale, sure, but do you really have to check if I’m dead? That’s very rude. Very rude indeed.
Here, put your hand on my heart. Don’t be scared, I’m wearing a very soft sweater. You’ll like it, promise.
See? Beating just fine. Don’t worry about the speed it’s going at. That’s just the heroin.
Oh, come on. Don’t make notes like that. I was just kidding.
Nobody appreciates gallows humour anymore. That’s the worst side effect of the zombie apocalypse falling upon us. Why so serious, huh?
What’s my opinion on the ‘living impaired’?
I’m so flattered that you think my view matters in the grand scheme of things. Me, I think it’s fucking hilarious. There are some people you just know have been preparing for it their whole lives. Panic rooms, shotguns in the basement, that sort of thing. Then it turns out all it is is some teenagers shambling around high schools like they always have.
Fucking brilliant.
Personally, I think it’ll be vampires next. While I’m not looking forward to the Team Edward riots, I reckon that werewolves will logically follow on. Then I just have to pay one to bite me and my life is complete.
Shirtless in public, here I come.
Okay, now you’re being ridiculous. I’m sitting right across from you! And you’re asking about my appearance?
Alright. Black hair. Pale skin. One step away from Snow White. The end. And I’m short. Embarassing, I know. But you know what, that’s alright when you’re gay. You don’t have to be taller than the one you’re kissing.
Oh look, you’re blushing. That’s quite sweet actually. It’s okay, you’re not my type. That really pisses me off by the way. I’m not in love with every man on the street you know. If you told me you were straight, I wouldn’t flip out and be all ‘STAY AWAY FROM MY GRANDMA! I KNOW YOU WANT HER!’ Geez, get over it.
Did you just ask about my personality? Is that a survey you’re conducting, or a proper psychological profile? If this is going on my permanent record, I want it done properly, damn it!
If you can’t work out that I’m a confrontational, sarcastic and all-round angry teenager, I’m going to write you off as an idiot right now.
Oh, and because I know people like you like people like me to have redeeming features, I’ll let you in on a secret.
I have a puppy.
And I bake.
...Don’t raise your eyebrow at me like that! That was true! I’m very offended. I’m this far away from walking out of here right now!
Yes, yes, you don’t have to remind me. If I don’t cooperate with the psychological profiling and any subsequent treatment, I get jail time instead of poxy community service. Christ, you burn one abandoned car and they have you down as a nutter. There wasn’t even a hobo sleeping in it. Get over yourselves.
Any other known mental issues? Isn’t that your job? You slacker, you. I have severe insomnia, hence the raw parts under my eyes. Since you are monumentally useless at everything, I’ll give you a quick lesson. Severe insomnia means I get on average three nights of sleep a week. Chronic insomnia is the one that leads to insanity and then death. Understood?
Okie-dokie then.
Oh, fuck off.
If you’re hoping to find clues to my so-called ‘erratic behaviour’ in my past, good luck. From foster homes in London to foster homes in Seattle, no difference to me. Wish my shitty last set hadn’t dumped me in this place rather than taking me back though. It’s a fucking joke that nobody wants to shell out for a poor seventeen year old orphan to get home. They’d rather stick me in a shithole of a school in a country I’d rather leave.
Really, what did they think was gonna happen?
Interview terminated here.
So.
This is more than a little awkward, you know. I mean, I’m pale, sure, but do you really have to check if I’m dead? That’s very rude. Very rude indeed.
Here, put your hand on my heart. Don’t be scared, I’m wearing a very soft sweater. You’ll like it, promise.
See? Beating just fine. Don’t worry about the speed it’s going at. That’s just the heroin.
Oh, come on. Don’t make notes like that. I was just kidding.
Nobody appreciates gallows humour anymore. That’s the worst side effect of the zombie apocalypse falling upon us. Why so serious, huh?
What’s my opinion on the ‘living impaired’?
I’m so flattered that you think my view matters in the grand scheme of things. Me, I think it’s fucking hilarious. There are some people you just know have been preparing for it their whole lives. Panic rooms, shotguns in the basement, that sort of thing. Then it turns out all it is is some teenagers shambling around high schools like they always have.
Fucking brilliant.
Personally, I think it’ll be vampires next. While I’m not looking forward to the Team Edward riots, I reckon that werewolves will logically follow on. Then I just have to pay one to bite me and my life is complete.
Shirtless in public, here I come.
Okay, now you’re being ridiculous. I’m sitting right across from you! And you’re asking about my appearance?
Alright. Black hair. Pale skin. One step away from Snow White. The end. And I’m short. Embarassing, I know. But you know what, that’s alright when you’re gay. You don’t have to be taller than the one you’re kissing.
Oh look, you’re blushing. That’s quite sweet actually. It’s okay, you’re not my type. That really pisses me off by the way. I’m not in love with every man on the street you know. If you told me you were straight, I wouldn’t flip out and be all ‘STAY AWAY FROM MY GRANDMA! I KNOW YOU WANT HER!’ Geez, get over it.
Did you just ask about my personality? Is that a survey you’re conducting, or a proper psychological profile? If this is going on my permanent record, I want it done properly, damn it!
If you can’t work out that I’m a confrontational, sarcastic and all-round angry teenager, I’m going to write you off as an idiot right now.
Oh, and because I know people like you like people like me to have redeeming features, I’ll let you in on a secret.
I have a puppy.
And I bake.
...Don’t raise your eyebrow at me like that! That was true! I’m very offended. I’m this far away from walking out of here right now!
Yes, yes, you don’t have to remind me. If I don’t cooperate with the psychological profiling and any subsequent treatment, I get jail time instead of poxy community service. Christ, you burn one abandoned car and they have you down as a nutter. There wasn’t even a hobo sleeping in it. Get over yourselves.
Any other known mental issues? Isn’t that your job? You slacker, you. I have severe insomnia, hence the raw parts under my eyes. Since you are monumentally useless at everything, I’ll give you a quick lesson. Severe insomnia means I get on average three nights of sleep a week. Chronic insomnia is the one that leads to insanity and then death. Understood?
Okie-dokie then.
Oh, fuck off.
If you’re hoping to find clues to my so-called ‘erratic behaviour’ in my past, good luck. From foster homes in London to foster homes in Seattle, no difference to me. Wish my shitty last set hadn’t dumped me in this place rather than taking me back though. It’s a fucking joke that nobody wants to shell out for a poor seventeen year old orphan to get home. They’d rather stick me in a shithole of a school in a country I’d rather leave.
Really, what did they think was gonna happen?
Interview terminated here.
